She didn’t mean to Love Him.

“The first time I looked into his hazel eyes,they were so captivating, I couldn’t draw my gaze away. Something flickered across them. I could feel it. In that moment, I felt pure joy. Like I had no worries. What I wouldn’t give to know what had flickered across his hazel eyes.” From that moment, it was like a fairytale. He became her everything. She thought they were forever.

It was when I lost him,I realised something. That flicker in his eyes when I first met him, the one that made me feel pure joy? It had been love.” It had been such a foreign concept to her then. She hadn’t recognized it. But he had shown her, that love existed, that it was real, that it drove passion, and that it the strongest feeling in the world.”

“To some people love was just a feeling, to some it was a necessity. His love wasn’t a necessity to her, but it made every cell in her body feel alive.She could live without it, but she didn’t ever want to.”

“The most wonderful thing was, he had shown her the best kind of love, when it was unconditional. She didn’t think it was possible for someone to love her unconditionally. But he did. She knew, because she could feel it in the way he looked at her, touched her, cared for her, protected her. He made her feel like he deserved it.”

“But he was ripped from her. Too soon, too suddenly. She hadn’t realized she had come to depend on him so heavily. Before him, she never thought of herself as a woman who needed anyone. But he changed her forever. The pain of him leaving that she felt was a constant, but over time she told herself it was for the best. She knew she was strong on the inside, that she could love without him but she learnt that he had helped her show that part of herself to the world. And for that, she would be forever grateful.”

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Day #3

That Boy who Changed.

The first time I met you, you weren’t supposed to mean this much to me. But you do, or did. Back then, it didn’t matter that we had known each other only for two months,I could tell what you were feeling through a simple worded text message. I thought you would be cheering me on when I graduated and we would shed tears of happiness at our weddings, and that you would be the uncle my children would have otherwise never had. But it’s funny how things work out isn’t it? Our friendship fell apart as quickly as it had started.

I trusted you, I opened up to you. I shared with you my hopes, dreams and secrets. And in that process I fell in love with you. Because you were a dream come true. I felt like you understood me, and that I could be myself, or whoever I wanted to be with you. You didn’t judge me, and I cannot thank you enough for that. I couldn’t lose what we had, so I cast off my feelings as a silly crush.

But somewhere along the way, we lost it anyway.

It’s the not knowing that hurts.Not knowing how we got to this position, not knowing if there exists a ‘we’. I look back and I wonder where it all went wrong.There was a period after we stopped talking when I’d rack my brains for a reason. I’d go back and read our conversations, look at our old pictures and try to remember what being next to you felt like. My insecurities began to emerge. I wasn’t the prettiest, or the smartest why would you want to be friends with me? I started to think that you said you loved me, only to get close to my skinny, pretty best friends. And then you were done with me.It hurt so much.

  And I didn’t want to feel that way. It was like a constant pain in my heart.I hated the feeling. I started convincing myself that you were a bad person, that I didn’t need you, and that I had just been infatuated by the attention you paid me, by the mystery that you portrayed yourself to be. I hated on you, every time I saw pictures of you making new memories with people who weren’t me, I could feel the jealousy rising inside me. When did text me once, instead of the love I used to be able to feel even through texts, I felt awkwardness, so I was a raging bitch. I convinced myself that you had always been a horrible person, and that you hadn’t meant any of the ‘I love you’s’.

I know now that I was wrong. So I want to thank you, for everything you taught me, for everything you did for me. I want to thank you for being the first boy to hug me so tight I never wanted to let go, for being the first boy to kiss my cheek and tell me he loves me. Thank you for being that friend I needed.

I will always need that boy. The thing is you’re no longer that boy. You changed, you’re no longer that boy I loved. And that’s okay. You’ll be the story I’ll tell my daughter the first time her heart is broken.

Day #2

 

Self-inflicted Pain

She told me, I did too much for you. That I gave you too much importance. I wish I could have ever felt that way.
I always felt I wasn’t doing enough for you. That I needed to do more. Give more, love more, but take less.
She said you took me for granted.
I now realize you did. Because all you did was take. My mind, my body, my soul. And when you were done?
Over the years you hadn’t given anything back, so I was empty. The only thing left was my pain. The pain you were never strong enough to take. You were never strong enough to withstand taking my pain.
Because taking it, would have made it self-inflicted. And that is the most unbearable.

Day #1

It may have glistened, but it deceived.

I was in strange, unknown waters. I had never felt this way before, I didn’t know what that feeling was. But I was a curious cat. And I was so sure that it could only go uphill from there. Turns out I was wrong.

Our relationship, if you can even call it that, started off on a bad note. I should have seen it then. I’ve never blamed you for losing her. But that’s how you came into my life. Funny you should leave it that way too. After I lost both of you, I realized that we could have a  million memories, inside jokes and shared secrets. But you didn’t love me enough to trust me with your heart.

It was magical in the beginning.There were no expectations, you were just someone I could laugh with. I wasn’t supposed to fall in so deep. Now when I look back, I feel like I didn’t realize how important you really were. And for that I’m sorry.

I never imagined us in this position. I thought we’d rule the world together.But I know now, nothing good could ever come out of that kind of love. She’d been right from the start. But I was so blinded by my love for you, by my need for the attention you gave me, that I didn’t see it. You were toxic. Saying that even now is hard, but the truth is painful.

Finding out, she was in love with you, was an eye opener for me.That’s where the real story starts. I no longer took you for granted anymore. It was like I realized I was falling in love with you. But she was my best friend and I couldn’t hurt her like that, so I told myself I wasn’t in love. My best friend.That’s what you became. And it felt like the best thing to ever happen to me. I felt privileged to be in your inner circle. But you kept your love for my best friend a secret from me.I knew in her mind you came first.  All that time we spent together you loved her, she had been more important to you. I was no longer your first choice.She would always come first. That hurt so much, for so long. But I convinced myself you could love us both.

For a awhile, despite you and her being together I put you first. I put your needs before hers and mine. And I will never forgive myself for that. At that point of time, I would have done anything for you. If I could have anyone in the world, I would have picked you in a heartbeat. I want you to know something. I don’t regret you. I don’t regret loving you. No matter what you felt. Whether it was genuine or not, you made me feel loved. At that moment, you were exactly what I needed.

It makes me wonder, did I hurt you so much? So much, that you’ve erased my existence from your world. Because I miss you. I miss you all day everyday. I miss our conversations. I miss your hugs. I fucking miss you, asshole.