Day #1

It may have glistened, but it deceived.

I was in strange, unknown waters. I had never felt this way before, I didn’t know what that feeling was. But I was a curious cat. And I was so sure that it could only go uphill from there. Turns out I was wrong.

Our relationship, if you can even call it that, started off on a bad note. I should have seen it then. I’ve never blamed you for losing her. But that’s how you came into my life. Funny you should leave it that way too. After I lost both of you, I realized that we could have a  million memories, inside jokes and shared secrets. But you didn’t love me enough to trust me with your heart.

It was magical in the beginning.There were no expectations, you were just someone I could laugh with. I wasn’t supposed to fall in so deep. Now when I look back, I feel like I didn’t realize how important you really were. And for that I’m sorry.

I never imagined us in this position. I thought we’d rule the world together.But I know now, nothing good could ever come out of that kind of love. She’d been right from the start. But I was so blinded by my love for you, by my need for the attention you gave me, that I didn’t see it. You were toxic. Saying that even now is hard, but the truth is painful.

Finding out, she was in love with you, was an eye opener for me.That’s where the real story starts. I no longer took you for granted anymore. It was like I realized I was falling in love with you. But she was my best friend and I couldn’t hurt her like that, so I told myself I wasn’t in love. My best friend.That’s what you became. And it felt like the best thing to ever happen to me. I felt privileged to be in your inner circle. But you kept your love for my best friend a secret from me.I knew in her mind you came first.  All that time we spent together you loved her, she had been more important to you. I was no longer your first choice.She would always come first. That hurt so much, for so long. But I convinced myself you could love us both.

For a awhile, despite you and her being together I put you first. I put your needs before hers and mine. And I will never forgive myself for that. At that point of time, I would have done anything for you. If I could have anyone in the world, I would have picked you in a heartbeat. I want you to know something. I don’t regret you. I don’t regret loving you. No matter what you felt. Whether it was genuine or not, you made me feel loved. At that moment, you were exactly what I needed.

It makes me wonder, did I hurt you so much? So much, that you’ve erased my existence from your world. Because I miss you. I miss you all day everyday. I miss our conversations. I miss your hugs. I fucking miss you, asshole.

 

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