Too Much To Ask

I don’t want to have sex with you.

I don’t want to make out with you.

I don’t even want to kiss your lips.

I want to kiss your cheek.

I want you to kiss my cheek.

I want to hold your hand.

I want to bury myself in your hugs.

I want to buy my first apartment with you.

I want you to buy me a book with your first salary, so that you can lay your head on my lap and I can read it to you, while we sip on a bottle of wine I bought us with my first salary.

I want to raise a dog with you.

I want to be the first person to wish you on your birthday, because you know how much that would mean to me.

I want to able to take a bullet for you.

I want to know that you trust me with your life.

I want to be the first person you think of when you’re having a bad day, and need a drink to forget it all.

I want to be the woman to threaten your girlfriend.

I want to be the best woman at your wedding, to talk you out of eloping.

I want to be the godmother to your child.

I don’t want to be jealous of her.

I don’t want to be her.

She can have your heart, body and mind.

All I want is your soul.

But I know that’s too much to ask.

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Day #7

Power Over Me

I picture what it’d be like to see you again. It’s been so long, it feels like a lifetime ago. I constantly have these scenarios running through my head. No wonder the say an idle mind is the Devil’s workshop.  I imagine running into you when I’m at lunch with my friends. I don’t think I could handle that.I picture myself talking to you from a distance, telling you not to hug me. Because  I know that on hug and I’ll fall right back in.

But I’m so fucking scared I won’t have the courage to tell you that. I’m scared that without even touching you, I’ll just take one look at you and go back to my old ways. Because I can’t I won’t survive it. And I hate that you have so much power over  me.

But you do.

And there isn’t a  thing I can do about it.

Five Words, One Lie.

“I love you.”

He took two steps forward and put his hand on her cheek. His hand felt soft and his embrace felt like home. He pulled her into his chest and kissed her hair. Then he softly whispered the words she had been craving.

“You are the love of my life.”

She had been waiting to hear those words since the day she first saw him. People said it was wrong, because she let him tear apart her best friend. But they didn’t get it. He was everything. He deserved the world. She would never be enough for him, but that girl. That girl didn’t even realise she was killing him. But once he came to her, she never let him go. He cared so deeply, loved so pure. The first time he kissed her cheek, she felt complete. She knew he was all she would ever want.

So when she heard those words. She held onto him tighter, and softly sobbed into his shirt.

“I’m here. I will always be here,” he said.

And now every time she looked at the picture of him ,she never had the heart to take down, those five words rung through her mind.

Because that was the best lie she had even been told.

 

 

Day #6

Oh no. All Over Again.

[Relapse] I thought about you after months today. Because someone else brought you up. I told her and myself that I hate your guts now. That thinking of you makes me sick. But the truth? I held it together out there. But I came home, took one look at your smiling face on my wall, and that age old ache of missing you came back. And I couldn’t hold it together.

I need this pain to go away, but I don’t know how. I’m trying, I really am, but I haven’t found the right rehab.

Day #5

Somebody That I Used To Know

Alone. It doesn’t feel as bad as I thought it would.I think it was imagining that alone would be scary that made me feel all that pain.I thought alone would be more painful. And it was. In the beginning.

But it brought me to a point where all I had left to care about was myself. And that is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Because I have found ways to become an ever better person inside and out. I have found inside of myself a need to spread kindness and love. It’s reignited my love for adventure. I hadn’t even realised you killed it.

I have been able to focus on myself. And that feels amazing. I am happier than I have ever been. Because I’ve realised who is worth my time. And it’s definitely not you. I’ve actually moved on. Not like you to another girl, but on. Now when I feel the urge to contact you, I stop, close my eyes and take a deep breath and I imagine joy and inspiration and excitement flowing through my veins. And the urge is suppressed, because you no longer represent those emotions to me.

You see I’m finally able to admit that you’re just somebody that I used to know. And that makes all the difference.