Day #9

All In My Mind

You were everything I hadn’t even dreamed of when I first met you. There was nothing special about you. It was how you treated me.You made me feel special, just being around you gave me butterflies in my stomach.I thought getting to know you would be better, that I could have more of you. But the closer we got, the more you started messing with my head. But I was so blinded by something, maybe it was adoration, it couldn’t have been love, that I didn’t even see it. But then she came along and something between us changed. I don’t know if it was because of her or the timing was like that. But suddenly nothing was the same. I kept thinking it was a phase you were going through. I thought you felt what I felt.

I trusted you because I thought you’d come back to me. You didn’t seem like the type to leave just like that. But you did. You moved halfway across the world without me seeing you. I hadn’t seen you in two years. When people ask me what happened between us I never know what to say. You were my best friend. I knew that in my heart but I realise now that wasn’t enough for you. You always wanted more but I had nothing to give.And because you always wanted more from me I keep telling myself I’ll move on. But every time there’s a glimmer of recognition from you I let myself hope. And I end up back here. My love being written on the wrong app.

Some days hurts more others. Most days I can get by without a single thought of you. But other days, you’re all I think about. Every word I write triggers a memory of you.On those days, I imagine scenarios in my head where you come back to me. Deep down I know you won’t.

But I’ve grown. I’ve learnt so much about life and people. And I have so much more to learn. I’ll always love you because I think you’re the first boy I ever loved.

The thing is that I don’t trust you anymore. She left and forgot about you. I came back. But you never did, even when I thought you did, that’s all it was, my imagination.

It was the vibe.

The first time I saw her, I knew we would be friends. I hadn’t even spoken to her yet. There was this vibe around her. But even then I didn’t know what a huge impact she would have on me.  Over the years many a time I have wondered to myself whether she made me a better person. Or was I ruined the moment I laid eyes on her? For better or for worse,I would not be the person I am today if not for her.

Olive skinned, with a beautiful black mane that reached her waist, everyone wanted to know her, or be her. She had an aura that calmed you and attracted you to her. You felt like you needed her to like you.  But she wasn’t someone who you could just go up to and introduce yourself to. She had to come to you. When she sat down next to me for the first time, I was hesitant as we made small talk, because I had immediately categorised her into the ‘popular’ crowd who would obviously, never interact with me. I mean I was the quiet girl who always had her nose in a book.

But then I got to know her and I realised she was so much more.She didn’t belong in a ‘category’. She was so complex, I spent years with her and I never fully understood her. The thing is before her, I thought there some things in the world that were wrong and some right. See, she showed me the world wasn’t black and white.

There are infinite shades of grey in between.