Day #9

All In My Mind

You were everything I hadn’t even dreamed of when I first met you. There was nothing special about you. It was how you treated me.You made me feel special, just being around you gave me butterflies in my stomach.I thought getting to know you would be better, that I could have more of you. But the closer we got, the more you started messing with my head. But I was so blinded by something, maybe it was adoration, it couldn’t have been love, that I didn’t even see it. But then she came along and something between us changed. I don’t know if it was because of her or the timing was like that. But suddenly nothing was the same. I kept thinking it was a phase you were going through. I thought you felt what I felt.

I trusted you because I thought you’d come back to me. You didn’t seem like the type to leave just like that. But you did. You moved halfway across the world without me seeing you. I hadn’t seen you in two years. When people ask me what happened between us I never know what to say. You were my best friend. I knew that in my heart but I realise now that wasn’t enough for you. You always wanted more but I had nothing to give.And because you always wanted more from me I keep telling myself I’ll move on. But every time there’s a glimmer of recognition from you I let myself hope. And I end up back here. My love being written on the wrong app.

Some days hurts more others. Most days I can get by without a single thought of you. But other days, you’re all I think about. Every word I write triggers a memory of you.On those days, I imagine scenarios in my head where you come back to me. Deep down I know you won’t.

But I’ve grown. I’ve learnt so much about life and people. And I have so much more to learn. I’ll always love you because I think you’re the first boy I ever loved.

The thing is that I don’t trust you anymore. She left and forgot about you. I came back. But you never did, even when I thought you did, that’s all it was, my imagination.

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Day #8

I don’t know what pushed me over the edge. What made me see what you really were. I mean I knew it all along, but I couldn’t get myself to acknowledge it. But suddenly one day it became easier to ignore you. I think I was finally sick of being looked down upon. You have such a set view on how a girl should be. And of course you’re entitles to your opinion, but in now can you justify putting me down in the process. So what I got my nose pierced?

I never asked for your opinion. I did it for myself. And I cannot believe I ever thought you might accept me for me, because you only care about how it looks.

You don’t deserve me. You will never deserve me. I’m just sorry I didn’t realise that earlier. I could live my whole life alone, and I’ll still never regret letting you go. So you know what, I’m going to be okay. I’ll travel the world, experience life and be happy, and you’ll watch from the sidelines in your sad narrow minded life.

Day #7

Power Over Me

I picture what it’d be like to see you again. It’s been so long, it feels like a lifetime ago. I constantly have these scenarios running through my head. No wonder the say an idle mind is the Devil’s workshop.  I imagine running into you when I’m at lunch with my friends. I don’t think I could handle that.I picture myself talking to you from a distance, telling you not to hug me. Because  I know that on hug and I’ll fall right back in.

But I’m so fucking scared I won’t have the courage to tell you that. I’m scared that without even touching you, I’ll just take one look at you and go back to my old ways. Because I can’t I won’t survive it. And I hate that you have so much power over  me.

But you do.

And there isn’t a  thing I can do about it.

Day #6

Oh no. All Over Again.

[Relapse] I thought about you after months today. Because someone else brought you up. I told her and myself that I hate your guts now. That thinking of you makes me sick. But the truth? I held it together out there. But I came home, took one look at your smiling face on my wall, and that age old ache of missing you came back. And I couldn’t hold it together.

I need this pain to go away, but I don’t know how. I’m trying, I really am, but I haven’t found the right rehab.

Day #5

Somebody That I Used To Know

Alone. It doesn’t feel as bad as I thought it would.I think it was imagining that alone would be scary that made me feel all that pain.I thought alone would be more painful. And it was. In the beginning.

But it brought me to a point where all I had left to care about was myself. And that is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Because I have found ways to become an ever better person inside and out. I have found inside of myself a need to spread kindness and love. It’s reignited my love for adventure. I hadn’t even realised you killed it.

I have been able to focus on myself. And that feels amazing. I am happier than I have ever been. Because I’ve realised who is worth my time. And it’s definitely not you. I’ve actually moved on. Not like you to another girl, but on. Now when I feel the urge to contact you, I stop, close my eyes and take a deep breath and I imagine joy and inspiration and excitement flowing through my veins. And the urge is suppressed, because you no longer represent those emotions to me.

You see I’m finally able to admit that you’re just somebody that I used to know. And that makes all the difference.

Day #3

That Boy who Changed.

The first time I met you, you weren’t supposed to mean this much to me. But you do, or did. Back then, it didn’t matter that we had known each other only for two months,I could tell what you were feeling through a simple worded text message. I thought you would be cheering me on when I graduated and we would shed tears of happiness at our weddings, and that you would be the uncle my children would have otherwise never had. But it’s funny how things work out isn’t it? Our friendship fell apart as quickly as it had started.

I trusted you, I opened up to you. I shared with you my hopes, dreams and secrets. And in that process I fell in love with you. Because you were a dream come true. I felt like you understood me, and that I could be myself, or whoever I wanted to be with you. You didn’t judge me, and I cannot thank you enough for that. I couldn’t lose what we had, so I cast off my feelings as a silly crush.

But somewhere along the way, we lost it anyway.

It’s the not knowing that hurts.Not knowing how we got to this position, not knowing if there exists a ‘we’. I look back and I wonder where it all went wrong.There was a period after we stopped talking when I’d rack my brains for a reason. I’d go back and read our conversations, look at our old pictures and try to remember what being next to you felt like. My insecurities began to emerge. I wasn’t the prettiest, or the smartest why would you want to be friends with me? I started to think that you said you loved me, only to get close to my skinny, pretty best friends. And then you were done with me.It hurt so much.

  And I didn’t want to feel that way. It was like a constant pain in my heart.I hated the feeling. I started convincing myself that you were a bad person, that I didn’t need you, and that I had just been infatuated by the attention you paid me, by the mystery that you portrayed yourself to be. I hated on you, every time I saw pictures of you making new memories with people who weren’t me, I could feel the jealousy rising inside me. When did text me once, instead of the love I used to be able to feel even through texts, I felt awkwardness, so I was a raging bitch. I convinced myself that you had always been a horrible person, and that you hadn’t meant any of the ‘I love you’s’.

I know now that I was wrong. So I want to thank you, for everything you taught me, for everything you did for me. I want to thank you for being the first boy to hug me so tight I never wanted to let go, for being the first boy to kiss my cheek and tell me he loves me. Thank you for being that friend I needed.

I will always need that boy. The thing is you’re no longer that boy. You changed, you’re no longer that boy I loved. And that’s okay. You’ll be the story I’ll tell my daughter the first time her heart is broken.

Day #2

 

Self-inflicted Pain

She told me, I did too much for you. That I gave you too much importance. I wish I could have ever felt that way.
I always felt I wasn’t doing enough for you. That I needed to do more. Give more, love more, but take less.
She said you took me for granted.
I now realize you did. Because all you did was take. My mind, my body, my soul. And when you were done?
Over the years you hadn’t given anything back, so I was empty. The only thing left was my pain. The pain you were never strong enough to take. You were never strong enough to withstand taking my pain.
Because taking it, would have made it self-inflicted. And that is the most unbearable.

Day #1

It may have glistened, but it deceived.

I was in strange, unknown waters. I had never felt this way before, I didn’t know what that feeling was. But I was a curious cat. And I was so sure that it could only go uphill from there. Turns out I was wrong.

Our relationship, if you can even call it that, started off on a bad note. I should have seen it then. I’ve never blamed you for losing her. But that’s how you came into my life. Funny you should leave it that way too. After I lost both of you, I realized that we could have a  million memories, inside jokes and shared secrets. But you didn’t love me enough to trust me with your heart.

It was magical in the beginning.There were no expectations, you were just someone I could laugh with. I wasn’t supposed to fall in so deep. Now when I look back, I feel like I didn’t realize how important you really were. And for that I’m sorry.

I never imagined us in this position. I thought we’d rule the world together.But I know now, nothing good could ever come out of that kind of love. She’d been right from the start. But I was so blinded by my love for you, by my need for the attention you gave me, that I didn’t see it. You were toxic. Saying that even now is hard, but the truth is painful.

Finding out, she was in love with you, was an eye opener for me.That’s where the real story starts. I no longer took you for granted anymore. It was like I realized I was falling in love with you. But she was my best friend and I couldn’t hurt her like that, so I told myself I wasn’t in love. My best friend.That’s what you became. And it felt like the best thing to ever happen to me. I felt privileged to be in your inner circle. But you kept your love for my best friend a secret from me.I knew in her mind you came first.  All that time we spent together you loved her, she had been more important to you. I was no longer your first choice.She would always come first. That hurt so much, for so long. But I convinced myself you could love us both.

For a awhile, despite you and her being together I put you first. I put your needs before hers and mine. And I will never forgive myself for that. At that point of time, I would have done anything for you. If I could have anyone in the world, I would have picked you in a heartbeat. I want you to know something. I don’t regret you. I don’t regret loving you. No matter what you felt. Whether it was genuine or not, you made me feel loved. At that moment, you were exactly what I needed.

It makes me wonder, did I hurt you so much? So much, that you’ve erased my existence from your world. Because I miss you. I miss you all day everyday. I miss our conversations. I miss your hugs. I fucking miss you, asshole.