meaning in your life

She sits down in the corner of the room.She’s young and beautiful and the waiter assumes an equally handsome man will join her, and that the young couple would enjoy the privacy. She has this urge to put on an act. To act as if she is waiting for someone. To check her phone, to have a loud conversation with no one on the other end, to sigh, so others think she didn’t plan on eating alone.But she wanted time to herself. She wore her best dress, put on makeup and went out, for herself. 

People see her alone and immediately there’s a look of pity in their eyes, they jump to conclusions about her life, they assume her life is, in one word-arid.

Arid: lacking in excitement, interest or meaning.

When the waiter approaches her, she tells him to remove the other place setting and he hesitates. She asks for a bottle of wine, and one glass. More hesitation. Because the truth is society doesn’t understand independent women. Her life is in no way ‘arid’. In fact she’s in a great relationship, has a great job and they are parents to the cutest dog. Yet they find it hard to believe that she enjoys her own presence. Society is unable to accommodate strong women.

The thing is, it isn’t just ‘society’, it’s also smart educated women around her who feel this way. Who feel the urge to keep her company if they see her alone in the workplace, whether it’s at lunch, or in the bathroom.

And one small step at a time, one restaurant, one dress, one person at a time, she tries to create change.


I have experienced this personally, and it isn’t just women. Men are often portrayed this way as well. Being seen alone isn’t a sign of weakness, it doesn’t mean you’re a ‘loner’. All it means is that you’re strong enough to see this, that you realize the real meaning of life is who you are.

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blur of actions and emotions.

I sit down to write but my thoughts are muddled.

I sit down to study, after all that’s what they think I’m doing.Maybe even what I’m supposed to be doing, but three lines into my textbook I’m dreaming.

I think about you, and my emotions are muddled.

I think about her and finally, a clear thought.But that disappears soon, and back are the muddled emotions.

My life is a blur of actions and emotions. The thing is I find it hard to believe this is all my life is. I want it to be more. But I’m stuck in this blur.

I feel that my eyes cannot see clearly enough, that  my vision is too blurry, for my hands to reach out for it.I feel no matter  how hard I try I cannot fulfil everything my life should be.

Should be? Those two words, that question, brings the blur with force.

Live. Love. Laugh. They say.

But is it enough to do these things in a blur of emotions and actions?

Shouldn’t we crave clarity?

Shouldn’t we?

And again.The Blur

Day #9

All In My Mind

You were everything I hadn’t even dreamed of when I first met you. There was nothing special about you. It was how you treated me.You made me feel special, just being around you gave me butterflies in my stomach.I thought getting to know you would be better, that I could have more of you. But the closer we got, the more you started messing with my head. But I was so blinded by something, maybe it was adoration, it couldn’t have been love, that I didn’t even see it. But then she came along and something between us changed. I don’t know if it was because of her or the timing was like that. But suddenly nothing was the same. I kept thinking it was a phase you were going through. I thought you felt what I felt.

I trusted you because I thought you’d come back to me. You didn’t seem like the type to leave just like that. But you did. You moved halfway across the world without me seeing you. I hadn’t seen you in two years. When people ask me what happened between us I never know what to say. You were my best friend. I knew that in my heart but I realise now that wasn’t enough for you. You always wanted more but I had nothing to give.And because you always wanted more from me I keep telling myself I’ll move on. But every time there’s a glimmer of recognition from you I let myself hope. And I end up back here. My love being written on the wrong app.

Some days hurts more others. Most days I can get by without a single thought of you. But other days, you’re all I think about. Every word I write triggers a memory of you.On those days, I imagine scenarios in my head where you come back to me. Deep down I know you won’t.

But I’ve grown. I’ve learnt so much about life and people. And I have so much more to learn. I’ll always love you because I think you’re the first boy I ever loved.

The thing is that I don’t trust you anymore. She left and forgot about you. I came back. But you never did, even when I thought you did, that’s all it was, my imagination.

It was the vibe.

The first time I saw her, I knew we would be friends. I hadn’t even spoken to her yet. There was this vibe around her. But even then I didn’t know what a huge impact she would have on me.  Over the years many a time I have wondered to myself whether she made me a better person. Or was I ruined the moment I laid eyes on her? For better or for worse,I would not be the person I am today if not for her.

Olive skinned, with a beautiful black mane that reached her waist, everyone wanted to know her, or be her. She had an aura that calmed you and attracted you to her. You felt like you needed her to like you.  But she wasn’t someone who you could just go up to and introduce yourself to. She had to come to you. When she sat down next to me for the first time, I was hesitant as we made small talk, because I had immediately categorised her into the ‘popular’ crowd who would obviously, never interact with me. I mean I was the quiet girl who always had her nose in a book.

But then I got to know her and I realised she was so much more.She didn’t belong in a ‘category’. She was so complex, I spent years with her and I never fully understood her. The thing is before her, I thought there some things in the world that were wrong and some right. See, she showed me the world wasn’t black and white.

There are infinite shades of grey in between.

Too Much To Ask

I don’t want to have sex with you.

I don’t want to make out with you.

I don’t even want to kiss your lips.

I want to kiss your cheek.

I want you to kiss my cheek.

I want to hold your hand.

I want to bury myself in your hugs.

I want to buy my first apartment with you.

I want you to buy me a book with your first salary, so that you can lay your head on my lap and I can read it to you, while we sip on a bottle of wine I bought us with my first salary.

I want to raise a dog with you.

I want to be the first person to wish you on your birthday, because you know how much that would mean to me.

I want to able to take a bullet for you.

I want to know that you trust me with your life.

I want to be the first person you think of when you’re having a bad day, and need a drink to forget it all.

I want to be the woman to threaten your girlfriend.

I want to be the best woman at your wedding, to talk you out of eloping.

I want to be the godmother to your child.

I don’t want to be jealous of her.

I don’t want to be her.

She can have your heart, body and mind.

All I want is your soul.

But I know that’s too much to ask.

Day #7

Power Over Me

I picture what it’d be like to see you again. It’s been so long, it feels like a lifetime ago. I constantly have these scenarios running through my head. No wonder the say an idle mind is the Devil’s workshop.  I imagine running into you when I’m at lunch with my friends. I don’t think I could handle that.I picture myself talking to you from a distance, telling you not to hug me. Because  I know that on hug and I’ll fall right back in.

But I’m so fucking scared I won’t have the courage to tell you that. I’m scared that without even touching you, I’ll just take one look at you and go back to my old ways. Because I can’t I won’t survive it. And I hate that you have so much power over  me.

But you do.

And there isn’t a  thing I can do about it.

Five Words, One Lie.

“I love you.”

He took two steps forward and put his hand on her cheek. His hand felt soft and his embrace felt like home. He pulled her into his chest and kissed her hair. Then he softly whispered the words she had been craving.

“You are the love of my life.”

She had been waiting to hear those words since the day she first saw him. People said it was wrong, because she let him tear apart her best friend. But they didn’t get it. He was everything. He deserved the world. She would never be enough for him, but that girl. That girl didn’t even realise she was killing him. But once he came to her, she never let him go. He cared so deeply, loved so pure. The first time he kissed her cheek, she felt complete. She knew he was all she would ever want.

So when she heard those words. She held onto him tighter, and softly sobbed into his shirt.

“I’m here. I will always be here,” he said.

And now every time she looked at the picture of him ,she never had the heart to take down, those five words rung through her mind.

Because that was the best lie she had even been told.

 

 

Day #6

Oh no. All Over Again.

[Relapse] I thought about you after months today. Because someone else brought you up. I told her and myself that I hate your guts now. That thinking of you makes me sick. But the truth? I held it together out there. But I came home, took one look at your smiling face on my wall, and that age old ache of missing you came back. And I couldn’t hold it together.

I need this pain to go away, but I don’t know how. I’m trying, I really am, but I haven’t found the right rehab.

Day #5

Somebody That I Used To Know

Alone. It doesn’t feel as bad as I thought it would.I think it was imagining that alone would be scary that made me feel all that pain.I thought alone would be more painful. And it was. In the beginning.

But it brought me to a point where all I had left to care about was myself. And that is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Because I have found ways to become an ever better person inside and out. I have found inside of myself a need to spread kindness and love. It’s reignited my love for adventure. I hadn’t even realised you killed it.

I have been able to focus on myself. And that feels amazing. I am happier than I have ever been. Because I’ve realised who is worth my time. And it’s definitely not you. I’ve actually moved on. Not like you to another girl, but on. Now when I feel the urge to contact you, I stop, close my eyes and take a deep breath and I imagine joy and inspiration and excitement flowing through my veins. And the urge is suppressed, because you no longer represent those emotions to me.

You see I’m finally able to admit that you’re just somebody that I used to know. And that makes all the difference.

She didn’t mean to Love Him.

“The first time I looked into his hazel eyes,they were so captivating, I couldn’t draw my gaze away. Something flickered across them. I could feel it. In that moment, I felt pure joy. Like I had no worries. What I wouldn’t give to know what had flickered across his hazel eyes.” From that moment, it was like a fairytale. He became her everything. She thought they were forever.

It was when I lost him,I realised something. That flicker in his eyes when I first met him, the one that made me feel pure joy? It had been love.” It had been such a foreign concept to her then. She hadn’t recognized it. But he had shown her, that love existed, that it was real, that it drove passion, and that it the strongest feeling in the world.”

“To some people love was just a feeling, to some it was a necessity. His love wasn’t a necessity to her, but it made every cell in her body feel alive.She could live without it, but she didn’t ever want to.”

“The most wonderful thing was, he had shown her the best kind of love, when it was unconditional. She didn’t think it was possible for someone to love her unconditionally. But he did. She knew, because she could feel it in the way he looked at her, touched her, cared for her, protected her. He made her feel like he deserved it.”

“But he was ripped from her. Too soon, too suddenly. She hadn’t realized she had come to depend on him so heavily. Before him, she never thought of herself as a woman who needed anyone. But he changed her forever. The pain of him leaving that she felt was a constant, but over time she told herself it was for the best. She knew she was strong on the inside, that she could love without him but she learnt that he had helped her show that part of herself to the world. And for that, she would be forever grateful.”